The Method of Discipline

Allah (swt) then speaks of the question of discipline, a verse that is highly controversial, or that some people like to make so. Twenty different translations of the Qur'an will show differing renderings of its third element. The idea is that if there is some tyranny on the wife's part — for the husband is meant to be in charge, to see that all is well. And, as said, care is needed here, because unfortunately some husbands are like an eldest son to the wife: she has to look after him as she would an eldest son, which quite upsets the whole role, and yet they still expect to be the man of the house. The idea, then, is that if a wife is acting tyrannically, not fulfilling her side of the bargain, and seeking to override the husband's responsibilities, then Allah (swt) provides a method of discipline. It should be understood very carefully; it is stated here only in brief.

Allah (swt) says wa-llātī takhāfūna nushūzahunna fa-ʿiẓūhunna. The first duty is to give advice. Perhaps she has simply forgotten; perhaps she does not realise. In so many marriages one partner is doing something without realising the effect it has on the other. It comes up all the time. When it is pointed out, al-ḥamdu li-llāh, they wake up and understand; they become conscious of it. Sometimes a husband or a wife expects the other to be doing a certain thing but never says so, and nurses the grievance inside until one day it erupts. That is not the right way. There must be open conversation, and an open relationship in which such things are mentioned. So Allah says first fa-ʿiẓūhunna: first give advice. Wa-hjurūhunna: if that does not work, the second means of showing displeasure is to stay away in bed — not to sleep together, meaning that the husband goes and sleeps elsewhere. He does not push her out of the bed; he goes and sleeps elsewhere, to show his displeasure. That, it is hoped, should resolve it. In most cases the first and the second are more than enough.

Then it says that if that does not work, after that: strike — hit. The words "hit" and "strike" call for care. Many render the word as "beat her"; but the dictionary definition of "beat" is to strike someone with the intention of wounding, and that is certainly not what is meant here. One of the best sources for the tafsīr of this is one of the earliest published tafsīrs, the Tafsīr of al-Ṭabarī. He relates directly, with his chain, from ʿAbdullāh ibn ʿAbbās that the meaning is that he hit with something like a tooth-stick, a miswāk, like a straw — merely to show displeasure. It is not to wound, or anything of the kind. That is what the Qur'an says here. The Sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him), however, was never to hit; and that is what is to be followed, and that is what is to be encouraged: that one never hits. Indeed, when women call and say, I am getting beaten up, the answer is: go to the police straight away. It is a very difficult thing for them to do, because so much family is involved — how can I go? — but unless a strong stance is taken, things do not generally change, because it is generally hereditary.

There is the account of a man who once called and said: I beat my wife. He was a known person. Why had he hit his wife? He probably never did it again, because he was shocked at himself. The reason he did it then was probably that he was newly married and had seen his parents do it — his father do it. Much of the time it is hereditary; there is no need to do it. There is no need to do it. And many of those who do hit their wives do not follow this order at all, even while claiming that the Qur'an permits it. They do not advise them. Oh, I have advised them for the last twenty years. You have been beating them up for twenty years! That is how it goes. And as for separating from the bed — they would never do that; they would make quite sure they were in bed. Subḥān Allāh.